When you think of domestic abuse, what comes to mind? For many people, it’s physical violence. But sometimes, the signs can be much harder to spot.
Coercive control is something we don’t always talk about, yet it can have a huge impact on someone’s life. Through conversations with members of Connecting You, our online community for people affected by domestic abuse, sexual violence and stalking, we’ve heard how difficult it can be to recognise the signs.
These conversations got us thinking: how many people really understand what coercive control is, and would they know how to recognise it in their own relationships or those of someone they care about?
So, what is coercive control?
Coercive control is a pattern of behaviour where someone uses different tactics to gain power and control over another person. It can happen gradually, making it difficult to recognise what’s happening, particularly when the behaviour comes from someone you love and trust.
It isn’t always about someone telling you what to do outright. Sometimes, it’s the little things that build up over time. Perhaps they question who you’re spending time with, make comments about what you’re wearing or become upset when you make plans without them.
At first, these behaviours might seem harmless. You might think they’re just looking out for you, that they’re jealous because they care, or that every relationship has its ups and downs.
But there’s a difference between someone caring about you and someone trying to control you.
Love shouldn’t mean losing your freedom, independence or sense of who you are.
What can coercive control look like?
Coercive control looks different in every relationship, but there are some common signs to look out for.
Controlling who you see.
Do they get upset when you spend time with friends or family? Do they make you feel guilty for going out without them, or create arguments that make you think twice about making plans? Over time, you might find yourself seeing less of the people you care about.
Checking up on you.
Do they constantly ask where you are, expect you to reply to messages immediately or want access to your phone and social media accounts? They might say it’s because they worry about you, but you shouldn’t have to give up your privacy to prove your love.
Controlling your money.
Do they decide what you’re allowed to spend, make you ask for money or stop you from working? Financial control can make it much harder to feel independent or leave a relationship.
Making you question yourself.
Do you regularly feel as though you’re in the wrong, even when you’re unsure what you’ve done? Do they dismiss your feelings, blame you for their actions or tell you that you’re overreacting? You might find yourself constantly apologising or questioning your own judgement.
Telling you how to live your life.
This could mean deciding what you wear, who you speak to, where you go or what you do. You might feel as though you need permission to make everyday decisions, or that you’re no longer able to be yourself.
Making you feel afraid.
Perhaps you change what you say because you’re worried about their reaction. Maybe you carefully choose your words, avoid certain topics or constantly try to keep the peace. Control can involve threats, intimidation or making you feel responsible for what happens when they’re angry.
Using technology to monitor you.
They might track your location, check your messages without permission, demand your passwords or monitor your online activity. Technology can make it difficult to feel as though you have any privacy, even when you’re apart.
These behaviours might not all happen together, and some might be difficult to recognise at first. What matters is the wider pattern and whether someone’s behaviour is taking away your freedom, making you feel frightened or leaving you feeling as though you can’t make your own choices.
Why can it be so difficult to recognise?
One of the hardest things about coercive control is that it can happen slowly.
You might not notice how much things have changed until you look back and realise you’ve stopped seeing certain friends, given up hobbies you once loved or started changing your behaviour to avoid upsetting your partner.
You might feel as though you’re constantly walking on eggshells, never quite knowing what mood they’ll be in or whether something you say will cause an argument.
And when someone repeatedly tells you that you’re the problem, it’s understandable that you might start to believe them.
There can also be a lot of love involved. You might remember what the relationship was like at the beginning, hold on to the good times or hope things will go back to how they were. You might worry about your children, finances, housing or what could happen if you leave.
All of this can make it incredibly difficult to understand what’s happening, let alone know what to do about it.
If any of this feels familiar, it’s important to know that not recognising the signs straight away doesn’t mean you’ve done anything wrong. You are not responsible for someone else’s decision to control or abuse you, and you don’t have to work everything out on your own.
You also don’t need to experience physical violence for your feelings or experiences to matter.
Starting the conversation
The conversations we’ve had on Connecting You reminded us how important it is to talk openly about coercive control. When people share that they’re finding something difficult to understand or recognise, it gives us an opportunity to listen and think about how we can help.
We know that recognising abuse isn’t always straightforward. Sometimes, it takes hearing someone else’s experience or seeing a behaviour described differently to begin making sense of your own.
We also know that starting a conversation can make a difference. Whether it’s helping you understand something in your own relationship, supporting a friend who’s going through a difficult time or simply learning something new, having these conversations matters.
So, we’d love for you to have a think: would you recognise the signs of coercive control?
You never know when understanding the signs might help you or someone you care about.
If you’re worried about your own relationship or someone else’s, you don’t have to be certain that abuse is happening before seeking advice or support. Listening without judgement, taking concerns seriously and reminding someone that they’re not alone can make a real difference.
At FearFree, we want everyone to know that support is available and that nobody deserves to feel controlled, frightened or trapped in a relationship.
Abuse isn’t always physical. Sometimes, recognising the signs is the first step towards understanding what’s happening and knowing that things can be different.
If you or someone you know is affected by domestic abuse, sexual violence or stalking, visit FearFree to find out more about the support available.
